futureevilscientist:
futureevilscientist:
futureevilscientist:
People in the BDSM and kink communities are the only people who are normal about sex, actually, and we should all learn from them.
I think everyone should familiarise themselves with the theory for such key concepts as consent, rejecting a sexual practice for yourself without judging it morally for others, sub drop and how it can happen even in the most vanilla sexual encounters, and aftercare and how it’s often needed in even the most vanilla sexual encounters (but often treated as a joke and something to ridicule).
Summary for those who haven’t read the links:
Sub drop is basically getting the endrophin high from sex and then crashing hard from it. You just had an amazing, intense experience, so why do you want to cry??? Why do you feel weird and empty and alone?
Even if you don’t get the outright crash, when the horniness fades, it catches up to you just how vulnerable you’ve been, and it’s natural and common to feel a little lost and alone after that. Contrary to what the term implies, you don’t need to be the submissive party to experience this. Note how much vanilla sex culture ridicules this (”crying after sex” jokes, etc.).
Aftercare is the antidote to sub drop, it’s the post-sex affirmation that things are good and you are safe and appreciated. Common forms include cuddling, ice cream, taking a warm shower together, wrapping yourself in your fuzziest softest bathrobe available and general relaxation together. Comfort and reassurance. Note how much vanilla sex culture condemns people as “needy” for wanting this kind of treatment, or for being upset that their partner just walks out on them after sex. (The people being condemned as “needy” are usually women, but I don’t even want to think about how much men certainly need this comfort too but feel like they can’t ask for it without being seen as un-masculine.)
This is what I mean when I say BDSMers and kinksters are the only ones who have this shit figured out. None of these things are actually exclusive to BDSM and kinky sex, vanilla sex for everyone would be SO MUCH BETTER if these things were part of universal sex ed.
#yea YEAH okay look hookup culture has done irreparable damage to affection post-sex#and i say this as a selfdefined slut!#i would spend entire nights in tears and its only when i was in uni and exploring my kinks in the scene did i link the two together#god yes we can be sexually motivated or focus on our carnal pleasures etc but we are still human and comfort/affection is needed#and one of the reasons the kink community has just a solid grasp on this is because of how extreme it is and we want to count balance#or cut off the negativity at the quick#and applying that to vanilla sex can only do good in the long term#im not explaining this well#but yeah…..ok
You explained it really well actually. Thank you for sharing.
It’s important to underline the fact that Top Drop is also a thing - it was mentioned above in explaining that despite the name, sub drop applies regardless of role - and top aftercare is also important! For a long time, we talked about sub drop and only sub drop - and it was necessary to talk about that, and remains very necessary.
What we didn’t talk about as much, at least in the circles I have been, and are just starting to really talk about, is that Top Drop (or Dom/me Drop, but I admit I like the rhyme better than the alliteration) is also very real, especially for service tops. When you are essentially performing for someone else, and putting yourself into the performance, really committing, and taking care of someone else, you get that rush of endorphins whether you’re performing the role of dominant or submissive. And while I absolutely love aftercare, and that’s a part of my role that I truly cherish, something I love almost as much as getting my subs off, I have come to recognize that I need aftercare, too - mine just looks different.
It can be harder, actually, to get Dom/mes or Tops to talk about Top Drop and their need for aftercare, for some of the same reasons it can be hard to get cis men to talk about their feelings - we are supposed to be the tough ones, the ones doing the protecting and caregiving, and why would we need aftercare, anyway? We’re not the ones being tied up or spanked or made to crawl or whatever, right? But it really is a huge output of emotional and physical energy, and we need to take care of ourselves and to be taken care of in a way that works for us and our partners.
That may look like a debrief once our partners are up for it (which should be done anyway) or specific praise from our partners, hearing how we made them feel, getting to be the little spoon for a while, whatever. That’s something you talk about together.
Amusingly, this is a thing that’s come up in TTRPG spaces, and I pitched recently a section on talking about Storyteller/DM/Storyguide Drop for a line that I write on. We talk a lot about managing player bleed, but we don’t talk as much about managing ST Drop or ST Bleed, which is totally real. Again, you’re performing for the benefit of others - of course that rush happens and then also goes away!
